[From article]
“When I first came into treatment, I was so sick I enjoyed being in meetings where I knew I could get men’s attention. I dressed in a push-up bra, massive heels … I even had a vibrator in my bag. Back then I had no boundaries around what was appropriate, but a lot of my recovery came from listening to men and hearing the other side.
“When you see people’s remorse and genuinely wanting to change, you see them as people, not a means to make yourself feel better.”
Tom entered treatment two years ago when his marriage crumbled and he found himself acting out with drugs and prostitutes. But he believes the “addiction” started earlier. “I can remember as a kid, my parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, and so every time I experienced anxiety and fear, I’d alleviate it through some kind of distraction,” he says. “Eventually I discovered sex and masturbation as a primary coping mechanism.
“At school I’d hide magazines and obsess over when I could look at them. The adrenaline of acquiring and hiding pornography was a potent aspect of the addiction because of the possibility of discovery and humiliation.”
[. . .]
“When I first came into treatment, I was so sick I enjoyed being in meetings where I knew I could get men’s attention. I dressed in a push-up bra, massive heels … I even had a vibrator in my bag. Back then I had no boundaries around what was appropriate, but a lot of my recovery came from listening to men and hearing the other side.
“When you see people’s remorse and genuinely wanting to change, you see them as people, not a means to make yourself feel better.”
Tom entered treatment two years ago when his marriage crumbled and he found himself acting out with drugs and prostitutes. But he believes the “addiction” started earlier. “I can remember as a kid, my parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, and so every time I experienced anxiety and fear, I’d alleviate it through some kind of distraction,” he says. “Eventually I discovered sex and masturbation as a primary coping mechanism.
“At school I’d hide magazines and obsess over when I could look at them. The adrenaline of acquiring and hiding pornography was a potent aspect of the addiction because of the possibility of discovery and humiliation.”
As an adult, Tom continued to use sex and porn as a way to alleviate anxiety and depression. “Even though I had an active sex life with my wife, I used prostitutes and erectile dysfunction medication as a kind of ‘peak experience’. I slept with people I was attracted to at the expense of anything else.”
“Once I get into the state of anticipation around a reward, the consequential thinking part of me just switches off. It’s exactly the same sequence of a drug addict or alcoholic who has two beers and goes on to drink for three days. You introduce the substance or trigger for arousal, it switches off your control.”
ADDICTED TO LOVE?
Sex and love addiction manifests in a variety of compulsive behaviour patterns. For some it’s sex and pornography, for others it could play out as emotional anorexia, or an addiction to co-dependent relationships, romantic or fantasy obsession.
[. . .]
For Zoe, it was realising she was engaging in increasingly risky behaviours. “As a result of putting myself in progressively dangerous situations, I’ve been raped, had unprotected sex and got pregnant and had unprotected sex with people I knew had STDs. It’s not only risky sexual behaviour — in one relationship I spent $20,000 on things just because my partner wanted to.”
[. . .]
“The more someone rejected me the more it turned me on, but sleeping with them screwed my self-esteem. I came out of every relationship more damaged and bitter each time. It was a revelation to me that in a healthy relationship you don’t have to chase someone to get them to like you.”
[. . .]
In recovery, each individual develops a set of “bottom line” trigger behaviours that they just won’t do.
“It’s like an alcoholic deciding they won’t hang around in pubs,” says Zoe. “You identify patterns to understand what addiction looks like. My bottom line is ‘no one-night stands’ because the last one-night stand I ended up marrying, and I almost married the second!”
“I also won’t date anyone who is unavailable for a relationship; so someone who is married or lives in another state, for example.”
For Libby, it’s about not feeding the fantasy. “One of the behaviours I needed to stop was constantly checking who was looking at me. I also have to not play music and think about them. Instead, when I start obsessing, I have to call other people in recovery and talk about where my head is at.”
[. . .]
“I’m online dating, so I need a plan. I call someone before and after a date. And I don’t have sex unless I’ve made a decision to do that beforehand.”
Although there are women-only meetings, Zoe says that listening to men’s perspective is invaluable.
“One of the most healing aspects of meetings has been seeing men as human beings, not as objects for my gratification.”
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/sex/three-australian-sex-addicts-reveal-why-they-went-into-treatment/news-story/bf4cbc5e8878ce90f6ee47a7b4002df9
Three Australian sex addicts reveal why they went into treatment
MAY 3, 20167:17AM
*All names have been changed.“When you see people’s remorse and genuinely wanting to change, you see them as people, not a means to make yourself feel better.”
Tom entered treatment two years ago when his marriage crumbled and he found himself acting out with drugs and prostitutes. But he believes the “addiction” started earlier. “I can remember as a kid, my parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, and so every time I experienced anxiety and fear, I’d alleviate it through some kind of distraction,” he says. “Eventually I discovered sex and masturbation as a primary coping mechanism.
“At school I’d hide magazines and obsess over when I could look at them. The adrenaline of acquiring and hiding pornography was a potent aspect of the addiction because of the possibility of discovery and humiliation.”
[. . .]
“When I first came into treatment, I was so sick I enjoyed being in meetings where I knew I could get men’s attention. I dressed in a push-up bra, massive heels … I even had a vibrator in my bag. Back then I had no boundaries around what was appropriate, but a lot of my recovery came from listening to men and hearing the other side.
“When you see people’s remorse and genuinely wanting to change, you see them as people, not a means to make yourself feel better.”
Tom entered treatment two years ago when his marriage crumbled and he found himself acting out with drugs and prostitutes. But he believes the “addiction” started earlier. “I can remember as a kid, my parents were quite emotionally withdrawn, and so every time I experienced anxiety and fear, I’d alleviate it through some kind of distraction,” he says. “Eventually I discovered sex and masturbation as a primary coping mechanism.
“At school I’d hide magazines and obsess over when I could look at them. The adrenaline of acquiring and hiding pornography was a potent aspect of the addiction because of the possibility of discovery and humiliation.”
As an adult, Tom continued to use sex and porn as a way to alleviate anxiety and depression. “Even though I had an active sex life with my wife, I used prostitutes and erectile dysfunction medication as a kind of ‘peak experience’. I slept with people I was attracted to at the expense of anything else.”
“Once I get into the state of anticipation around a reward, the consequential thinking part of me just switches off. It’s exactly the same sequence of a drug addict or alcoholic who has two beers and goes on to drink for three days. You introduce the substance or trigger for arousal, it switches off your control.”
ADDICTED TO LOVE?
Sex and love addiction manifests in a variety of compulsive behaviour patterns. For some it’s sex and pornography, for others it could play out as emotional anorexia, or an addiction to co-dependent relationships, romantic or fantasy obsession.
[. . .]
For Zoe, it was realising she was engaging in increasingly risky behaviours. “As a result of putting myself in progressively dangerous situations, I’ve been raped, had unprotected sex and got pregnant and had unprotected sex with people I knew had STDs. It’s not only risky sexual behaviour — in one relationship I spent $20,000 on things just because my partner wanted to.”
[. . .]
“The more someone rejected me the more it turned me on, but sleeping with them screwed my self-esteem. I came out of every relationship more damaged and bitter each time. It was a revelation to me that in a healthy relationship you don’t have to chase someone to get them to like you.”
[. . .]
In recovery, each individual develops a set of “bottom line” trigger behaviours that they just won’t do.
“It’s like an alcoholic deciding they won’t hang around in pubs,” says Zoe. “You identify patterns to understand what addiction looks like. My bottom line is ‘no one-night stands’ because the last one-night stand I ended up marrying, and I almost married the second!”
“I also won’t date anyone who is unavailable for a relationship; so someone who is married or lives in another state, for example.”
For Libby, it’s about not feeding the fantasy. “One of the behaviours I needed to stop was constantly checking who was looking at me. I also have to not play music and think about them. Instead, when I start obsessing, I have to call other people in recovery and talk about where my head is at.”
[. . .]
“I’m online dating, so I need a plan. I call someone before and after a date. And I don’t have sex unless I’ve made a decision to do that beforehand.”
Although there are women-only meetings, Zoe says that listening to men’s perspective is invaluable.
“One of the most healing aspects of meetings has been seeing men as human beings, not as objects for my gratification.”
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/sex/three-australian-sex-addicts-reveal-why-they-went-into-treatment/news-story/bf4cbc5e8878ce90f6ee47a7b4002df9
Three Australian sex addicts reveal why they went into treatment
MAY 3, 20167:17AM
Alice Williams is a Melbourne writer and teacher.
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