Best of City Policies Ever

Best of City Policies Ever
by Barbara Broussard

Noah in 2008
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and
save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.' Six months later, the Lord looked down
and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to
start the rain! Where is the Ark?''Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things
have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then
the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs
of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for
the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but
they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a
ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I
started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the
Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how
many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and
Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want
to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS
seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years
for me to finish this Ark.' Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The
government beat me to it.'